Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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