Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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