Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
