My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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