I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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