theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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