then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
