Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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