How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
