Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She's like a pop up book from hell.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
