Betty ford says i'm here all night
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
