I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
