im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
