The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
