is your mom at the bar?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize