Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
