Betty ford says i'm here all night
this beer tastes like vomit already
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize