OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
