I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So vagazzling was a success
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