Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
