I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
