Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
