Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
