Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
