I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
