I bet he comes in French.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
