I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
