I will die if light touches me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
