I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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