I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize