I think my fart just growled at me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
