alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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