i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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