Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
