He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
