literally had 100 drinks last night.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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