I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
