So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
