Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
