Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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