i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize