I am full of burrito and curiosity
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
