so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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