I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
