just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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