piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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