I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
