he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
