I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
