was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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