I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
