"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
