I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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