Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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