Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
