i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
