so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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