I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
