Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
