hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
