If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
